Ups and Downs

7/3/14 - Thursday 

22w4d - I can't believe it's already July!  These last 2 months with placenta previa have been crazy, and not how I envisioned my summer going.  I wish I could be swimming with the kids, taking them to the park, etc. etc.  I'm very grateful that they're still having a great time and being taken care of when I haven't been able to. 

Marilyn has been here since Sunday night.  We are so grateful to have her here to take care of Rhett and I, and that she was able to come on such short notice.   

My bleeding has stayed the same since I left the hospital.  So stable is good.  I still haven't had more than a couple contractions during the day. 

Sara has been kicking and moving around so much now.  Or, at least I feel it all the time now.  Today I saw it on the outside of my tummy for the first time.  They're distinctive kicks now, instead of just flutters.  Oh, how I love her.  I'm curious to know how she's doing. 

I called and made and appointment with an OB group in UT.  The nurse was so great to talk to.  I explained my situation, and asked a lot of questions.  She said they work directly with perinatology at UVRMC, and that I'd meet with them probably the day after my OB appt.  She also scheduled extra time for me.  She said her daughter has a child that was born with HLHS, and gave me her number in case I wanted to chat with her about the surgeries and such.  Wow.  The fact that she cared, without even meeting me, made me feel good about my choice.  She also said they work close with UofU & Primary Children's if we get to the point where Sara needs surgery.  I feel really good about the situation now.  It relieves some stress to have a plan for when I get down there. 

We officially hired Rachel as our nanny for while we're in Orem.  :)

I've felt pretty emotional this week.  I hate the thought of my family being all split up.  I was really stressing about that.  Hiring Rachel relieves some of the stress.  I don't want to be apart from Reid while we go through this.  He is my rock.  He is able to calm me, and comfort me like no one else.  I'll need to rely on the Lord more than ever.  It's hard to know what to worry about, because there's so much going on, and so many things I could be worrying about.  My family being apart, finding good doctors, Sara's condition, grieving for her, finding answers, having another big bleed at any moment, losing large amounts of blood, getting blood clots from bed rest, not being able to do my job as a mother and wife, leaving behind everything in Wyoming, not knowing how long we'll be gone, not knowing if Sara will live or die, making potential memorial/burial plans, not wanting to have any regrets.  Heavy, heavy stuff. 

Thankfully, I do know I can turn to the Lord.  I know he has borne my griefs, my sorrows, and my pain.  I know he died and was resurrected making it possible for Sara (and all of us) to be resurrected with a perfect body again.  I know that Reid and I will have the opportunity to raise her as our daughter in the next life, if not in this one.  I know that if we keep our covenants, we will be together again as a family eternally.  What sweet peace the gospel brings.  It takes away so much of the sting.  Of course, I have to be willing to have faith in these things, and be willing to cast my burdens on His shoulders.  I can't imagine going through this without the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I love that we can teach our children these things, and that they can know that Sara will always be their sister, and that we'll be a family all together again someday, if we do our part and live worthy of that blessing. 

Tuesday was a particularly rough day emotionally.  I was feeling the weight of all that we're dealing with.  As I had just stopped crying, the sweetest old lady from my ward came to visit.  She brought Rice Krispie treats and I was just overwhelmed that this wonderful widow with her portable oxygen machine would make an effort to come visit and check to see how I was doing.  What a sweetheart.   

Then Tuesday night I had some awesome girlfriends over.  They knew I wouldn't be much of a hostess sitting with my legs up, but they came anyway!  We had the best time chatting and eating yummy treats.  We were crying from laughing several times.  It was so good for my soul.  I'm so grateful to have made such amazing friends here.  They mean so much to me. 

Wednesday, the cutest girls came and painted my nails.  They are all patriotic now.  I loved it.  Oh, they brought me cookies and chocolate milk too.  :)  I also got to Skype with my cute boys who are chillin' in UT.  Oh how I miss them!