FISH results & "If I ever had a girl..."

6/13/14 - Friday 

FISH (preliminary) results came back normal (negative for Monosomy X, Trisomy 21, 18, 13), but they are guarded because of the maternal blood in the sample.  Guess we'll have to continue to wait for answers.

My RS president brought over the loveliest flowers from her yard.  Bless her.

6/15/14 - Sunday 

20 weeks!  It's weird not knowing how long I'll actually be pregnant.  I would normally say, yay! half way!  I feel sad that I can't do the things I'd normally be doing. The things I've dreamt about doing "if I ever had a baby girl."  I would be shopping for her clothes, and glittery shoes.  I'd be shopping for adorable feminine baby gear to replace our masculine stuff.  I would be brainstorming and planning her a gorgeous nursery, and deciding what color to paint her walls.  If circumstances were different, I would be perusing Pinterest for girly crafts and how to make headbands and bows.  It's a harsh reality to face.  I guess I could do all those things, but I'd be setting myself up for a lot of hurt in the future.   I guess it's part of me grieving the loss of those opportunities.  It definitely hurts.

I went to church today, happy to not be on bed rest anymore.  I tried not to walk around too much.  I'm still bleeding every day.  I came home utterly exhausted.  I had a little bright red bleeding tonight.  Not enough to concern me, but the first time it's been bright red since my first bleed at 13w4d.