Holding Sara

Tuesday 9/9/14 - Day 4

The Ronald McDonald Family Room is quite an amazing place.  We were able to sleep, shower, eat breakfast, and take snacks to go.  Everything was provided for.  It was incredibly helpful to not have to worry about those things so we could spend as much time with Sara as possible.  We are supporters for life after this experience.  It is such a blessing for these families who have children in the hospital.

This morning we went right up to see Sara. She is so beautiful to me.  She's still sporting her red bow. She doesn't move much at all, but she reacts when we talk to her.  She seems to know my voice in particular. (Not gonna lie, I love it!) When her bilirubin eye patch is taken off, she squints because it's bright.  She will also try to open her eyes if we shade them.  She scrunches up her forehead as if it's so heavy to lift, such hard work to get those eyes open. We love that she grabs onto our fingers when we put them in her hand.  She moves when we touch her feet - must be ticklish.

Both Sara's nurse and the attending Neonatologist (at separate times) asked us if we'd like to hold her today. I couldn't help but sense that they don't think Sara will survive much longer, and that's why they were both anxious to offer this to us. Despite the reasoning, we were ecstatic to get to hold our baby girl!  I hadn't held her since immediately after she was born, and Reid hadn't held her at all yet. It has been torture not being able to hold my newborn. It is so unnatural.

It was quite the operation to transfer Sara from her bed. The biggest obstacle was that she is still attached to the oscillator that has a long rigid plastic arm attached.  It's not flexible at all. We were able to make it work though.  We propped pillows onto my lap in a tall chair beside Sara's bed so my arms would be at the same level as the bed.  Then the nurse and 2 respiratory therapists helped transition Sara to my lap.   

 

Oh how sweet that moment was!  Tears of pure JOY streamed steadily down my face.  I felt Sara's strong and brave spirit.  I felt incomprehensible amounts of love for her in that moment.  I was finally holding my baby girl.  xoxo.  I can't justly describe how amazing it was. 

Reid got to hold her next.  He is so in love with his baby girl.  I witnessed a sweet father with his only daughter.  He looked so proud of her.  I'm so grateful that the medical team made this happen for us.

Sara's Great-Grandma Jackson, a.k.a. "GG", came to see her for the first time today.  She is an amazing woman, so supportive and compassionate. I am lucky to have her, and Sara is lucky to have her.  My Aunt JaKell also got to come visit later tonight.

It is hard to acknowledge and remember that Sara's body is broken inside, when it's not visible from the outside.  She is incredibly sick, and not getting any better.  It's a hard reality to face. 

We finally spent time alone together processing all the information we've received, and praying so hard to know what to do. We talked for hours. We vocalized our thoughts and feelings about Sara, and about how the Lord has blessed us throughout this whole year. All we want to do is the Lord's will. The decisions we have in front of us are impossible, unfair, and awful. There is no good or right answer.  It will only be made right and good by the Lord.  We know that if we are on the Lord's side, we will feel peace.